Testimony of Rachel H. 4-12-10
I started doing drugs when I was 13 years old, and it was just a crazy ride. I was totally off the hook,
never caring that my actions could affect me or others later in life. I never really considered myself
an addict of anything until my dad died. I think whether or not I was, was beside the point, I just
didn't care about anything after he died. The pain of losing him, and giving Chloe up for adoption
became too much, that's when I started using heroin with my now ex. When my dad died, he left
me everything, and it took a year for it to go all in my nose and arm. When we started to get low
on money we started to sell it, and then eventually we lost our apartment. The money never
seemed to last, and we were always on the next hustle for the next fix. Our relationship was good
for the first year, but as we got deeper and deeper into our addiction, whatever stability and love
we had went right out the window. I can still remember the first time he hit me. I use to get so mad
at my friends when they told me their man hit them, I couldn't understand why anyone would stay
with someone who hit them. It took being in my sobriety to finally admit that I was in an abusive
relationship. I was just so indifferent to the idea of being on heroin for the rest of my life. I really
was ok with dying in my addiction. I don't mean this to trigger anyone, but I remember getting
doses ready thinking if I add a little more maybe I just won't wake up. At that time in my life,
I felt that being dead couldn't be much worse. If I'm totally honest with myself I think that at that
point in time being dead would've been better. I tried to overdose so many times, but for some
reason, (praise God I know it's Him now) I always woke up. I was so angry, and harbored so much
bitterness and resentment for things that happened in my life, things that were done to me, and
things I did to others. I couldn't face anything, and being on heroin I didn't have to feel or think
about anything. In November of last year, when I was at the worst point I've ever been at, I decided
to come to the ranch, but my intentions were just to do the 2 months, and then be on my way. I ended
up walking, promising myself I'd never go back but I missed it, and I was learning a lot, so I came back
like a week later, and it was the best decision I've ever made. I found God, and fell completely in love with Him.
It was hard at first because the idea of just surrendering, letting go and letting God was just a really
scary idea for me to grasp, but when I finally did I had the peace that I had been trying to get my whole life.
To know that God has forgiven all of my sins, and still loves me no matter what, just blows my mind.
Especially the agape love, knowing that he sent His son to die for me and carry my sins is so beautiful.
I know we're all sinners, but I defiantly feel like I'm the worst of the worst. I'm so thankful he's a sinner's God,
because even if salvation could be earned, I'd still have no hope. He's just been too good to me and so faithful.
Everything that's good in my life is all because of God and God alone. He's taken so much negative, and
turned it into positive. I'm just thankful, and I don't think any amount of words could ever express it. I don't
even feel like the same person anymore, in these 5 measly little months He's done so much, and I just
want to yell at the top of my lungs what He's done in my life. I want to move on from the past but never
forget where and what He's brought me from, because that's the beauty of it all. I know I still have so
much growing to do, and I can't wait for what He has for me. I'm just blessed that he considers me His
friend, and I just want to be His unworthy servant, from heroin to heaven, it's just such a trip, and I
can't thank Him enough for pulling me out of the muck and mire. No more living for me, and that's
just an awesome feeling.
